Easter 2019 + 4.21.19 + I let myself believe

M. Campbell-Langdell

All Santos, Oxnard

(Acts 10:34-43; 1 Corinthians 15:19-26; Ps. 118:1-2, 14-24; Luke 24:1-12)

I am one of his followers. And I saw the whole thing. After scattering in the garden following his arrest, I wandered to the gatherings around the fires outside of the place where Jesus met with the chief priests. My wise rabbi, on trial. I was so at a loss. So scared. I didn’t sleep as I worried what would come of the one we have followed these three years long – I think I hopped in about year two, I don’t remember the exact day. But I do know that everything became clear when I met Jesus. Because my life went from black and white to all the colors you can imagine when I saw him. When I started learning from him. Everything else fell away.
And then it felt like I was losing that, too. It felt like I was losing him moment by moment, as I saw him dragged before Pilate. As I saw him carry his cross. The weight of it almost seeming to pull him down the hill they forced him to ascend. In order to put him to death, in such a cruel way I couldn’t keep my eyes on it at times. I found other disciples, others who had eaten with him and listened to him and tried, in some small way, to serve him. I saw him speaking with the women and with the one whom he loved, knowing that he loved me, too. It broke my heart, seeing him like that. All of us needed to be strong for each other now.

But how? We had each left everything and followed him, but we didn’t know how to be without our leader. And then he died, and oh, I cried.
Now, it is the day after the day of rest- I must admit I just found a spot with some other disciples – someone’s home to hole up and cry. And pray. God, tell me what comes next. I know all of this wasn’t for nothing. I heard from Alosia, the disciple who graciously offered her home, that some women were bringing spices to anoint his body. But I just didn’t have the heart to go with them. I was still so lost.

And then, the oddest thing occurred. They came running back! I hadn’t seen the other Mary running for years! I saw them scampering and followed to where Peter and some others were breaking bread for the morning repast. They did seem a bit disheveled, but then we all were. None of us were thinking straight. And I began to listen the words that came out of their mouths- they had gotten to the tomb – and that huge stone was rolled away? Oh no! I thought – tomb robbers- don’t they know his riches aren’t of this world? And then I was startled to hear that they saw an angel? I mean, we are all a bit dazed, but an angel? Really? This was just all sounding weirder and weirder. And that he said Jesus had risen? That he was not dead, but alive? At this point, I was really freaking out. I hadn’t eaten well for days, not one solid meal since we all ate together on that night before the Passover when Jesus washed the leadership’s feet, showing them how to love.

And I hadn’t slept, and I doubted any of the others had. So some of our reactions were a bit short. Not loving as we had been shown by Jesus, but we actually shut the women down at first. I think we didn’t want to hear it. To get our hopes up just to have our hearts broken all over again. Be quiet, we said. You need to eat something, you need to get some sleep. You are imagining things!
But Peter never could go with the flow. He had to see for himself. He ran over to the tomb, to that place where they laid his body. It broke my heart just to think of him there, body broken. And for what?  I was sure Peter was going to confirm that someone had taken his body or that the women had been confused, gone to the wrong tomb, or that it had been too dark to see, and that some silly fool had played a mean joke. But no, he went to the tomb, and saw the same thing. And he believed!
And somehow, the rest of us actually took a risk. We opened our hearts. We said “what if he really is alive?” And the idea made us so joyful we were laughing and crying at once!
Of course some of us were still so unsure. We hadn’t seen him yet. And I get that. I must admit, that while a part of me believed, another part was still scared to believe. Scared to imagine something so wonderful. I mean, we all talk about resurrection, and we even saw something that looked a lot like it in Lazarus. But maybe we are all wrong. Maybe it is all a big collective delusion.

But day by day we began to hear more stories. The companions who were walking to Emmaus, and he appeared. The ones in the room to whom he appeared. He showed them his hands and his feet. He spoke directly to their doubts. To all of our fears. We were so ashamed to be unbelieving, after all that we had gone through together. But somehow he understood. Then some of us even got to eat with him. And there he was, teaching us again. I wasn’t there for that part, but as I heard more stories, I began to believe. And my heart got so full, I could hardly stand it. As I heard this witness, I wanted to share it. The other disciples and I, we cannot hold it in. We must say, Jesus is risen! And even though he needed to ascend, to reunite with our God and his Father, somehow I know now. He will never leave us. He will never forsake us. His Spirit is with us. And we are saved! Do not doubt, but let yourself believe! Alleluia!